I don't know when it was that I first started noticing how I can't stand them. when was it that I realized that their words ring in my mind, like ugly bells. The things they say and the things they do are ugly, annoying and ever so often, crule. I've felt this way before, about other people and I know it usually fades. Thats why I started to pull away from them, the ones who I should tresure I start to hate. Rather than hurting those who are dear to me, those who I call friends I let them go. always, it's so easy. The ones I love and who love me, come back in time, and I am happy and lucky to have them. But there are those who never return.
I think, if I could, I would be a hermit, or at least live on a remote mounten somwhere. far away from people like them and like you. The once I love and who love me could at times visit, and I could visit them but I would be far from the mass, far from the common world. Is it strange that I in this day and age long to be recognized for who and what I am but at the same time wish to be left alone from everyone? I detach myself from this place a little bit everyday at the same time I root myself more firmly. I long for freedome but if it was given to me what would I do? I long to sing my heart to the world but I can not rais my voice infron of people. When I paint I am constently compared to the people I love by the people I love.. I can not draw anymore be cause the lines I make are not good enough in my own eyes. The things I have drawn in the past stands as a pinfull reminder that I once held so much inside me that in overflowed onto paper. Even now I can not hold a pencil in my hand without drawing an eye. Always an eye, somtimes I add a nose and lips... Always I draw the eye. As if I draw in enough time I will one day pin my soul down on that piece of paper.
I shy away from the things that ued to inspire me...
I wish to go outside and feel the nature that I connect myself to, the mountens bare rock and the trees struggle, the wind that so redily bring me the dreams I crave... but as I feel myself connecting to that raw energy that is the land a homan will walk by and the path that I was boulding crumbles. Is it the city that drains me? the reason why I start to dislike them is it cause they are a part of the city? I feel like I live in a different world. A place were I am overflowing inprinting myself on the things and land around me, leaving my mark, rooting and attaching myself. My world dose not fit in a place where others so freely can wander into my my aura, my shell.
I am not a kind woman, or a friendly woman, I am not a gentle woman. But I am strong, I sometimes think I am too stong, I am so sure of myself that when I face others I don't understand them, I can not see their resoning because I can only see myself. There are exeptions to this. There are people that I see, people that I have always seen, that I understand or feel connected too. some are family some are not. But at times I wonder if I truly see them or if what I see is the image of tham that my mind painted in my world. A glorified image I wish them to be. But that not true either cause I know their foults and I love them anyway... I know my own foults even better, and yet I am loved despite them. I am houtly, I ever so often look down on people I do not know, not because of race or looks. No I am suprisingly equal in this matter. I look down on them because they are not me nor are they my dear ones. they are just the faceless mass. They do not live in my world, or even have a place in it. They are just shadows to me.. I am aware that they live their lifes, they live in their own worlds, have their own problems, people they love and hate, they have souls and dreams and wishes. But I can not allow them in my world becaue it would be too over whelming.  I am just a human even though I often set myself aside from humans I can not denie that faqt. As a human my mind is not capable of all the things that make people into people into my heart. Into the place where I dwell. Is that why I can not sing? Because to sing my heart to them I first have to feel all of their hearts? I do not want to feel thir hearts but I want to inprint my own in them? But I am afraid that they will keep me out the way I expell them?
I often watch anime and movies were the main girl is so gentel that her love and strenth of heart saves people, or the world, or at least changes things. I always find that so so... nameless emotion... I know that if I was given the choice I would sacrifise my life for this world, despite the nameless mass that I so despise, but I do not understand why. I would give up all that I am to save the world. the planet, the dimension and all it's life. the world, the energy that is currently just out of my reach even though I feel it there, is the one thing in life exept for him, that keeps me here, that keeps me from detaching myself and looking for cosmos like some buddhist monk or whetever.
Ah, Him, the one I love above them all, the one who is the opposit of me, the one who in gentle and kind, the one who thinks before he talks. Him who is not bitter or angry or feels the need to seklude himself, the one who has no violence in him. He felt so young when I first met him. Like a puppy dog that raideated innocence. He is different now, still innocent but no longer a puppy. He has grown into a man, and I love him. All that he was and all that he is, and I hope I will love all that he will become. There is but one wish that I have that stands out above the rest, let me be with him, let me keep him let me be enough for him.